$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ C H U R C H of the S U B G E N I U S $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ *N*E*W*S $$$$$$$ $$$$$ Praise "Bob" Or Kill me. $$$$$$ $$$$ Issue #3 $$$$$

Contents:

Updated Pledge
Barbeque of Doom
The Book of SHAG
PHILOsophy of the day
New Clench

For more info, send all your money to:

Holy Temple of Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu
PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET
Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coined by Rodney Ward, a man well known and... well, not exactly loved,
by the University of California Police, Berkeley Precinct {smirk}

I PLEDGE A MILLION
TO THE FUND
OF THE AMERICAN SPHERE OF INFLUENCE,
AND TO THE REPUBLICANS
FOR WHOM WE SCAM.

ONE NATION,
UNDERFED,
INDEFENSIBLE,
WITH LIBERTY FOR JUST US
OVER ALL.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

BAR-BE-QUE OF DOOM (a space age love story)

She led him into the bedroom with a smile on her
lip.
"Aha! Good easy buttsex!" he thought
lackadaisically. "Good thing I brought my penis!" he
chuckled to himself.
"What?" she asked, momentarily unsure of the
situation. After all, he wasn't good looking, what with
a cleft head and all.
"Oh, nothing!" he said with a toothy grin.
"No, really, what?" she said aging.
"Oh, I was just glad I brought this." He reached
into his pocket and pulled out a swollen ivory fist.
"ooooh, ahhhh," she grunted. "That's good, because
I brought THIS!" she reached into her pouch and pulled
out a disfigured foot.
"This will be fun! Just like you promised in your
ad!" he blurted.
She drew him down onto the futon. He lay back, but
something pricked him in the back.
"Ack! What's this?!?" he articulated, pulling a huge
mandible out from under the covers.
"Oh, don't worry yourself with that, love. Look at
this?" she said thrusting her cat in his face.
"What!"
"Oh, woops. I mean this?" she said, shoving her
face in his face.
"Hm." he thought, "she has a weird face." In fact,
she had a huge wiry hair coming out of her tooth. She
kissed him with restrained abandon. The way her hair
tickled his esophagus really excited his pulsating fist.
"Watch this!" he whispered lewdly, hoping to turn
her on. He friskily fluttered his eyeflap at her lap,
which groaned restlessly with a torpid passion.
"Do me!" she said sarcastically. She rolled over
and spread her cheeks in a very ladylike fashion, which
reminded him of Princess Di or Al Sharpton. He drew out
his ivory fist and paused. She reached back and handed
him some tarry looking substance with bits of meat and
bone in it. He lubricated the fist thoughtfully and
gingerly rammed it home. She cried for more while he
increased the tempo of his plunging stroked her well-
formed placenta until she climaxed. A thick and soupy
sludge emerged from her sternum with tired irony.
"oh you're so good!" she sighed. He removed the
fist and she rolled over, gasping for nitrogen. He
pensively caressed her lungbag with his good stump.
Suddenly, she hit him in the head with the
disfigured foot.
"Ngsfll!" he screamed. "What'd you do that for?!?"
"That tickled, " she countered with disdainful
flatulence as she careened his cleft cranium again.
"Snit!" he cried as his tooth flew from his sweaty
mouth.
"C'mere lover. Do me right!" She threw him back
against the bed and straddled him. He smiled in spite
of the blood flowing from his gums. Suddenly, a three
fingered appendage quickly emerged from her gaping
vaginal orifice to grab his manhood. It dropped the leg
and then correctly pulled the pulsating pecker into the.
"Hi-yah!" he screamed wildly. She held him down w/
all of her arms. "Smanch Snig Fnortgobbel Shit!" she
screamed. Her jaws opened to a monstrous proportion and
ripped off his lips with her suction leg. Amidst all of
his screaming and wild gyrating, he strangley thought,
"hm. funny I never noticed those suction legs."
That was the last thought he ever thought, though,
because she then opened her vagina and sucked him in,
where a small creature inside efficiently dismembered his
cerebellum.
"Thanks, Dad." said the creature inside as it
absorbed the flesh voraciously.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BOOK OF SHAG

Heed my words, oh miniscule and pulchritudinous ones. Hear and heed, you
who do not fellatiate, and you who know not the meaning of the great and
high remex. The end is near. You must heed and follow the things I will
speak unto you, the words of the great gods, the god of the windowshade,
the god of the distributor cap, the god of the blue bikini underwear and
most importantly the god of the dead japanese beetle somewhere on the
campus of rutgers university. By heeding these words, you will improve
the gas mileage of your car, enter into a new age of harmony, peace,
happiness, and belgian waffles. Bring things home each day and not pay
for them until next september, and make sure that your life is sanctioned
and guarded by the great race of aliens which will land any day now in
Starkville Mississippi and revolutionise the way you wash dishes. Be sure
to not be left out when all human males become obsolete as females flock
to the alien males and their new, improved, user-friendly genitalia mark
five systems! You must make your genitalia blue, anointing it with
indigo. Anoint also your ears, your nose, the back of your neck, and the
fourth toe of each foot, the most holy of all toes.

I speak to you of the coming of the greater race. You shall know them by
their stature, by their countenance, by their language, unlike any that
man has ever heard, and by their sexual prowess. Behold, they shall land
in a small town, Starkille, and shall walk the earth among the children,
and you shall not know them. Many will say in those days, "The gods are
walking the earth, the gods are walking the earth," but they shall be
scoffed upon and spit upon and fucked hard by prostitutes in cheap motels
then bankrupted by the media. But you will pay them no attention and
merely stop sending your donations. But then, the greater race will
reveal themselves in all their glory for all mankind to see. The truth
will be known, and the truth will be that mankind has not paid their lease
and is being evicted, a new race takes over the planet, please move the
furniture out and clean the carpeting before you leave. Behold a wonder:
your children and their children shall mate, producing a better race yet,
but you, the unbelievers, shall be sentenced to 40 time units of wandering
in the outer dust clouds of the andromeda sector aboard a tiny spaceship
called the minnow.

So, lo, woe, yo, repent while you still are young on an archaelogic scale.
The world must be saved by the horrors that are low-density disks, AM
radio, and non-FOX television. You must learn to live without processed
spinach products, to wean your children on their father's milk,. and to
accept that power strips and LSD are things of the past. Synthesise your
offspring carefully so that when the time of the great choosing comes,
your sons and daughters may be chosen by the greater race to participate
in furthering their race, in the strange ritual of the cosmic fuck, the
antithesis of the hells of knowledge, riches, and power, the fulfillment
of the postmodern dream of red lights, t-squares, and paint blotches.
Prepare yourselves for the day of the final inkblot judgement, wherein all
shall be tested for blot and blood type. In that day, some will say,
"verily, it is an aston-martin, in O positive." To those, the coming one
will say, "farewell, you were never a phlebotomist, just a prick, depart
from here into an eternity of dimness and cheap paperback novels and
genuine IBM computers." But in that fateful day, some will say, "truly,
it is two schnauzers chasing a naked woman, in AB negative." To those,
the coming one will say, "come, join me at the cosmic sock hop, you are
one of my own, you will live an eternity of free drinks and beautiful
tragically hip waifs."

For I have been spoken these things by the angels of light, hermetic
seals, and the small purple man painted on my wall, who read them from the
great platinum plates upon which they were inscribed from the supernatural
force of the great god of the cunny, who swallows all things for the
better of his followers. I have seen the light, I have been enlightened,
I speak the truth to you, heed it and save your lives and those of your
fellow neighbour's wife and your neighbour's ass, or do not hear my words,
and turn a deaf ear to them, and forever suffer in this meaningless
existance. The gods have spoken, I have written, and the pen, having
writ, runs out of ink, on this, the next to the last of the last days...


-The Book of Shag-

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A lonely women fled down the street.
@@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@ She was angry at the world and
@@@@@@ @@@@@@ generally unhappy. Then she tripped
@@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ over a rock and became enlightened.
@@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@
@@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ Her lightness was very contagious
@@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ and with a few days her entire town
@@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@ O @@@ was enlightened and by the end of the
@@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@ month, a crisis crisis was felt in
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ } @@@ full force.
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ Then it wore off and everyone got
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@ back to fighting, lying and generally
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ being unhappy. It seems that her
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ enlightenment was not a Bud
@@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ enlightenment.
@@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@
@@@@ _~ ,en, `@@@~ en `@ ]l J@@@
@@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@
@@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@
@@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@
@@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@
@@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@
@@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
@@@@@_ @@@@@@ @@ @@@@@@@@@@ ;$@@@@
@@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w, wU@@w'],@@@@@@
@@@@@@@ @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@ $20
@@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@
@@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@ YOU'VE ONLY GOT EIGHT YEARS, PINK BOY
@@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@ @@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@ @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ @@@@@@@@@
@@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@
@@@ , ,ww,w@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@P _@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: fuck it, man...just gimme da bread
Keywords: CASH! MONEY! SLACK! ah, feh.

Anyone who's got their head to bleed enough, send me a dollar for
cool stuff, two bucks for stuff that sucks the skin off, but leaves your
warts intack, five bucks for tapes of my tea parties with the xists, and $500,000 for a limb of your choice. Or just send me a stamp.

Reverend Suspect Device
P.O. Box 156
Amherst, NY 14216

ALL ONE! Shit, guys...just piss in an envelope and I'll be in raptures. Put a check in though. And if you can handle the extra postage, slip in the most nubile female available. Or livestock - we're not
picky. SNAP INTO IT!

--
Rev. Suspect Device v061regm@ubvmsd.bitnet "Fuck 'em if they can't take Fnepnfz vf gur bayl v061regm@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu a joke." - J.R. "Bob" Dobbs fvta bs vagryyvtrapr Naq Lrnu! Fraq zr gjragl Attn: all SubGeniuses! The qbyynef sbe "Obo"! Cvaxf Shpx Bss!!! *4 LINES!* FCEEEB wants YOU(r money)!



Holy Temple of Mass $ >>> slack@ncsu.edu <<< $ "My used underwear
Consumption! $ $ is legal tender in
PO Box 30904 $ BBS: (919) 782-3095 $ 28 countries!"
Raleigh, NC 27622 $ Warning: I hoard pennies. $ --"Bob"



Elmer
telnet://ricksbbs.synchro.net:23
---
þ Synchronet þ Rick's BBS telnet://ricksbbs.synchro.net:23

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ C H U R C H of the S U B G E N I U S $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ *N*E*W*S $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ Issue #4 $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ Praise "Bob" Kill "Bob" Eat "Bob" Fnord "Bob $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Contents:

What is SLACK?
Witness for "Bob"
Tearing Down the Malls
Just who the hell is this "Bob" guy, anyway?
Clench Update
Update from Santa Cruz 25 Hour Clench

For more info, send all your money to:

Holy Temple of Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu
PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET
Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Slack is a warm puppy.
Slack is a gigantic warm-fuzzy, wrapped around a steaming, bloody dagger.
Slack is like alt.sex, but without the calm, accepting charm.
Slack is what "Bob" brings to all of us.
Slack is in Dan Quayle. Slack is in COBOL. Slack is in the walking dead.
Slack is in really, really bad haiku.
William Shakespeare has slack. Dodobirds had slack, but they died.
Salack is slack misspelled.
Freud had no slack. Oral Robert's only slack is in his name.
When you have slack, the world beats a path to your door, and then ties you
up and licks warm mayonaisse of your nipples. When you have no slack, the
world beats up up, turtles piss on you, and big, ugly, hairy guys named Bruno sodomize you repeatedly. Which is better? You be the judge.
This is not to say I have anything in particular against being sodomized by big, ugly, hairy guys named Bruno. Hell, everyone needs a hobby. It's just
not for me. And I have no slack. So there.
Slack is warm and slippery. WHen you have lots of slack, it oozes out of
you, and lightly coats your floor, and sticks to your shoes.
Slack is in hostess twinkees.
Slack is in Plan Nine From Outer Space.
Slack is in The Witches.
Slack is not in Darkman.
Slack is really sort of sweet and smurflike, and you want to love everything and be sweet and buy carebears and then RIP THEIR HEADS OFF AND SHIT ON THEM AND DESECRATE AND BURN THE LITTLE RATFUCKERS. Slack is full of
contradictions, and is good.
Slack is a warm puppy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAA!


....herein lies my witnessing to the power of "Bob":
My car was stolen while I was reveling in Slack at WICN, a public station, gleefully playing tunes for my audience [small as it is]. Well, I finally arrived home [after having been given a Test to see if I still exercise my Sense
of Humour] at 06h00...attempting to sleep [and failing], I was moved to get out of bed at about 8ish as one of my Friendly Neighbors thought that 8 in the morning is a good time to save my soul with cheezy gospel tunes [the ones that all sound the same-- a sustain-by-vibrato on every word]. I was rolling in my angst until about 11ish, when I decided to hear the "What did we tell you about that town" lecture from my father; I wound up hanging up, very -ahem- distraught
and Slackless. Glenn was headed to That's Entertainment, so I felt the need to tag along. I recouped my lost Slack by pouring over lurid pulp comics, and feeling generally good.
I went back to my place refreshed, only to have to deal with my father trying to harrass me more. While I was being harrassed, Jeremey [mpython] burst in with words that I will never forget: "I found your fuckin car, man!" I hung up on my father, grabbed the flak jacket and zoomed out the door. Two blocks from my house, I found it there...intact...with junk food wrappers all up in it and tghe only [visible] damage beyond scratches and minor dents was that they had cracked the column to get it going.
Needless to say, I was elated...I looked up from the car...and there, there RIGHT where the car was ditched not TWO blocks from my house...THERE, sprayed on the concrete...was a Dobbshead and the message: "Slack".
Jeremey is now the longest-lasting ShortDurPerSav that I have ever had. He is marked by Dobbs...Honour him...


Disclaimer: "I'm the only one foolish enough to claim these opinions as mine." ------------Reality---------------------------Outside----------
INet: crimson@wpi.wpi.edu 100 Insitute Rd #296
UUNet: ...!wpi!crimson Worcester MA 01609
Others: crimson%<your favorite gateway here>@wpi.wpi.edu

Blue Blaze Irregular Havoc In The Society: Bronnton of Atlantia
Rev. Dkr. Nick LaRG0, ASC of the First Orthodox MegaSpooTemple of the
Squirting Yeti Dobbs, Clench of the Unrepentant Gunman and Shrine of the
Sacred Bleeding Head.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"He's seeing monsters. He's losing his mind and he feels it going."

Last Friday I went to the mall to be a Part of the Problem, on this,
the busiest shopping day of the year.

Yeah!

I went to Dillards and bitched the lady out for not having the right
color of perfume! "My girlfriend wants blue, dammit, blue!!"
(I don't even have a girlfriend...)

Yeah!

And I bought a Hot Dog, with Ketchup and Mustard, and a Pepsi, a
Medium Pepsi, "that'll be 89 cents for your Pepsi, sir..." and
sat down on the bench and ate the hell out of my Hot Dog, much
to the unhappiness of a couple grils who passing by on their
way to J C Penny's 5% off sale, for they really hate it when
strange xibotic characters eat the hell out of Hot Dogs in public.

"Grosssss!" she said. That's what she said.

Yeah!

And I went to the arcade, to vent my frustrations of not having anyone
to buy presents for, cuz I have no girlfriend, and don't particularly
like my family, they live in Texas anyway, so I go into the arcade, to
play SmashTV for a couple hours, but they don't have SmashTV, so I smash
a couple other CRT's and come out even MORE frustrated then before.

"Mommy, that guy just smashed Ms.Pacman!"

Yeah!

So back into the Mall go I. Walking along past the Radio Shack, where
they're having a 3 1/2 % off sale on items they've been selling for
the past 15 years. "Only $999 for this cruddy old XT-compatible computer!" "Comes with DOS!" So I go into Radio Shack, where they have bins of
batteries, separated by type, and I MIX up the contents of the bins,
so every bin has every type of battery, and then I walk out.

"Can I sign you up for our catalog mail service, sir?" "No! Fuck off!"

Yeah!

And I walk by these two pretty sorority babes who've just came out
of a shoe store where they've bought three pairs of high heels. I hate
high heels. Every time I see high heels I think of the abuse the spikes
are doing the floor, and I just wanna scream. So I do.

And they give me nervous looks and run away.

Yeah!

Next thing I know I'm in a toy store and I'm buying this ultra-realistic
copy of the AK-47, wondering why a toy has to be so realistic, but anyway,
I take the copy, and I go to Santa Claus, and I walk over the barriers,
and all the children scream, "he's cheating!" and take a little girl out
of Santa's lap and I throw her back into the crowds, and I prod the AK-47
into Santa's belly, and the Elf, Santa's helper, yells "Omigod he's taken
Santa Claus HOSTAGE!"

"AAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" I screamed, maniacally, as all the people
and the snotty little kids run away.

And then the security guards came and I ran like hell.

And that's how I celebrated Thanksgiving.


Xibo

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

In article <3753@qip.UUCP>, bobm@qip.UUCP (Bob Maccione) writes:

OK, could somebody please explain 'slack' and BoB ( or is it bob ) to me.
I asked everybody here and no-one knows ( or else they aren't telling ).
I think I saw the bob you all talk about in the Badger comic book awhile back. Guy with a suit and a pipe, right ?

No. "Bob" was the pipe with the guy and a suit. "Bob" was the suit with a
guy and a pipe. "Bob" was the region of 4-space which was hollowed out by
the guy with the suit and the pipe. "Bob" was the region between the ink
and the page. "Bob" is what you read when you read between the lines on a blank sheet of paper. "Bob" is the sound of one hand picking wallets.

You can learn even less about "Bob" by going to a bookstore and buying the "Book of the SubGenius." You may even be able to find The Book at a library, but it will be in a welded, lead-lined safe in the Rare and Ancient Book section.

The less you know about "Bob" the closer to "Bob" you are. "Bob" himself is COMPLETELY IGNORANT of his own existance. Praise be to "Bob"!!
--
John Woods, Charles River Data Systems, Framingham MA, (508) 626-1101 ...!decvax!frog!john, john@frog.UUCP, ...!mit-eddie!jfw, jfw@eddie.mit.edu

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


I thought you all would like to be informed of the tremendous existance of
the Goddess of the Northeastern United States, Tennessee, Arkansas,
Cleveland and Tulsa in the church of the SubGenius(the church being
something I haven't heard mentioned at all on this news group). She
is the most incredible female anyone will ever be cognizant of in
their lifetime. Seriously. She does the Rochester, NY version of
the Hour of Slack, and all the hierarchs want to make mad passion-
ate love to her. Just listen to either KPFA or KNON. SHe loves you,
and y'all should love her too. Eris played euchre with her in college
and agrees she is worthy of your attentions. Very, extremely humble, too. Watch for her in the next Stark Fist (called the Stark Filth) and
Factsheet 5. Not that I'm advertising for her wonderfulness, but if
you'd like to send her money, or just experience for yourself the only
female avatar fof slack(and a nice, smart girl too) you can contact\
her at pobox 18754, Rochester NY 14618.
Remember, GOBI, she's neat, sweet, has great feet, knows her glands
and can whip Nhee Ghee's butt in a second. Connie is jealous of her!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes well, here is a latest update from the Santa Cruz 25 Hour Clench.

If ya'll don't know where Santa Cruz is, well lets just say that
its the same town that is depicted in the movie Lost Boys. Its
much spookier than that though.... The Boardwalk (the amusement
park from the movie) is opening a Two-Story Indoor Miniature Golf
Course. This alone makes this town a mondo-bizarro cool place to
hang and chase bobbies. Killer Clowns from Outer Space was also
filmed here...

We have a *huge* SubGenius colony here. Ya can't go too far in this
town without seein that piped-and-'smilin face starin right back at ya.
Under bridges, on cars, deep in the forest, in the bookstores, and
especially on our gleaming campus of UC Santa Cruz (or is it UC
Santa Carla???) that overlooks the Monterey Bay.

Some of the Reverends in Residence here are:

Rev. Kareem du Gristle (myself)
Rev. Patio Daddy-o
Rev. Banshee
Rev. Chroma
Rev. Seaweed (Demi-glob Seaweed)
Rev. Superior
Rev. Borneo (king of the free faxin of "Bob" to random places)
Rev. Madwoman
Rev. Lorax (Dominatrix Maximus)
Rev. Das (famous for his Negativland work on Escape from Noise)
Rev. Sarahel
Rev. Pseudo
Rev. Uberbutt (Uberman inc)
Rev. Crisper Diction

this to name a few....

I recently had a "Bob" face starin out at a large campus wide
lip-sync contest, and had a "Bobtar" on stage with me during our
rendition of "Sweat Loaf" by the Butthole Surfers.

Soon, the band NoMeansNo will play here. These true musical gods
are immortalized in a quote from their song The Day Everything Became
Nothing: "Its weird being a Bob, but I'll get used to it, I'll have to!"

As far as "Bob" TV appearances are concerned, we have all seen the
automobile ad with the "YIELD TO BOB" signs all over it...

But a much more notable appearance is at the end of the movie
Cleopatra Jones, when she walks away after vanquishing the bad guys,
"Bob" piped and smiling, looks on from the crowd.... very clear
sighting there....

enjoy jello,

Rev. Kareem du Gristle

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A lonely women fled down the street.
@@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@ She was angry at the world and
@@@@@@ @@@@@@ generally unhappy. Then she tripped
@@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ over a rock and became enlightened.
@@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@
@@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ Her lightness was very contagious
@@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ and with a few days her entire town
@@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@ O @@@ was enlightened and by the end of the
@@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@ month, a crisis crisis was felt in
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ } @@@ full force.
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ Then it wore off and everyone got
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@ back to fighting, lying and generally
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ being unhappy. It seems that her
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ enlightenment was not a Bud
@@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ enlightenment.
@@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@
@@@@ _~ ,en, `@@@~ en `@ ]l J@@@
@@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@
@@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@
@@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@
@@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@
@@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@
@@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
@@@@@_ @@@@@@ @@ @@@@@@@@@@ ;$@@@@
@@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w, wU@@w'],@@@@@@
@@@@@@@ @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@ $20
@@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@
@@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@ YOU'VE ONLY GOT EIGHT YEARS, PINK BOY
@@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@ @@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@ @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ F N O R D
@@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ @@@@@@@@@
@@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@
@@@ , ,ww,w@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@P _@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------



Holy Temple of Mass $ >>> slack@ncsu.edu <<< $ "My used underwear
Consumption! $ $ is legal tender in
PO Box 30904 $ BBS: (919) 782-3095 $ 28 countries!"
Raleigh, NC 27622 $ Warning: I hoard pennies. $ --"Bob"



Elmer
telnet://ricksbbs.synchro.net:23
---
þ Synchronet þ Rick's BBS telnet://ricksbbs.synchro.net:23

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ C H U R C H of the S U B G E N I U S $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ *N*E*W*S $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ Issue #5 $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ Killing "Bob" over and over again each day $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Contents:

What is Slack?
PsychoSlackPoem
Native American Slack
The Church of the Small Boy
Dobbshead Offer
Undercover Subgenius: Rev. Robert Tilton
Kultural Kriticism Korner
"Bob"'s Diet Tips
RTP Slack Update

For more info, send all your money to:

Holy Temple of Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu
PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET
Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere

..and yes, this IS the clench that is responsible for covering the
Free Expression Tunnel at NCSU with millions of Dobbsheads...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hope I'm not insulting anyone, but what is SLACK?
Did I cause any of it through this post?

Bob

If you were BoB and not just Bob, you wouldn't need to ask the question. But the opportunity to rant on Slack is irresistable...

What is Slack?

Slack is the universal substance of true divinity, it is grace, baraka, free time, having more food than you need. Slack is the state of security where nothing anyone says could possibly insult you. Slack is the sound of one hand giving the finger to the Con in all its manifestations. He who has Slack
can have any mood he desires, or no mood at all. The slackful person is indifferent to the presence or absence of possessions of all types.

You cannot buy or sell slack, but money can be converted into slack if you
have the proper attitude. If you need to ask what the proper attitude is,
you do not have Slack and cannot convert money into it. You can have slack without money, again with the proper attitude.

Superficial imitators, those who do not have slack but covet it, will tell you all sorts of things about it, usually the most boring manifestation is that they ask you to send them money. The truly slackful person would not accept money from people stupid enough to send it to them.

It is actually possible to configure a dorm or other room to maximize its slack-attractiveness, but this task cannot be done according to surface evaluations of how cool, sexual, rebellious, or kitschy each individual item may or may not be according to temporary, youth-culture standards. The arrangement of the items in the room, and their composition, is more important than any socio-cultural connotations of those objects.

If you believe any of this, and try to act on it, you have no slack. The holder of true slack is totally indifferent to what slackless people say about slack, or about anything else. Slack is bullshit, in contrast to the Con and its minions, who are all horseshit-based.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

It matters not that the police of thought
Are breathing down my back.
They will back down, for I act like a clown
And fool them all with slack.

"What's all the fuss? He's ridiculous."
The Men In Black shall intone.
I'll scamper and drool. I'll play the fool,
And I'll keep my mind my own.

In plain sight I'll hide. I'll let them feel pride
Believing the've taken my Sallack.
But as I cavort, I'll have my own sport
And stab them in their fat backs.

Hide in plain sight.
No one cares what the clowns do.
(Until they pull out the knives, but then it's too late.)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh all this talk about pinks and cons. Makes me wonder how history could have been different if the Native Americans of North America know about "Bob". Out on the old long and lonesome praire it must have been a snap to spot the Pinks.

I heard a story about one Brave who had SLACK whether he or anybody
else knew it. After his traditional way of life was destroyed he took to hanging out on the Main Street (TM) of Pinksville. By playing dumb, he made his living. When folks new to the West came to town, the first thing
they heard about was the indian who was so stoopid that he didn't know the value of money; if you offered him a dime and a nickel, but only told him he could take one, he would take the nickel, because it was bigger. Finally, one of the Brave's friends said to him, "now lookee here, you know a dime is
worth more than a nickel, so why do you take the nickel?" And the Brave answered, "Because if I took the dime, they wouldn't do it any more".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Now hear this:

The Church of The Small Boy lives! BoB is with us and is living
on our Fridge Door, guarded by the Red-Double-Decker Bus fridge-magnet
the fire-engine magnet, and The Pocket Anarchist.

We *ARE* BoB's true disciples in London, accept no other and send
US all of your money NOW! You CAN be saved from the forces of PINK!
Accept SLACK! SLACK FLOWS IN LONDON AT LAST! Nasty Americans, send
US YOUR SLACK! Post it to us HERE and NOW! Your soul can be saved!


We shall return.

-----------
Disclaimer: "Bluebell Railway!"
mail: the address at the top, epsilon@cix.uucp
-----------

----------------------------------------------------------

For a limitted time we are proud to offer you this once in a
lifetime chance to "own" "Bob"!!

Thats right! Now you can be the envey of those around you by
having "Bob" in your very own home, dorm, apt. or even right in your
hip pocket.

This special product will bring good-luck, spirtural-fulfillment,
and above all, dramatically increased sexual powers!


And this is how: Send me 1(one) U.S. dollar and a SASE and
I will send you a B&W "scanned" "Bobs-head" suitable for framing,
displaying, or lining your cat's litterbox.

For 1(one) dollar and the price of a stamp you will receive:

2 (two) 11 X 17 inch (huge!) "Dobbs-heads"

3 (three) 81/2 X 11 inch (still real big!) "Dobbs-heads"

These reproductions are of the highest quality and are waiting for you!

And, for a limitted time, if you also send a 5 1/4 or 3 1/2 inch
diskette (unformatted!) I will also send you the TIFF file of "Bob"
so you can make your own posters, go into busness for yourself, and
make millions!

YES! All this and extra SLACK! for only 1(one) dollar.
You cannot afford to pass this offer up. Act now...or pay latter!


Louis B. Stein
350 S. Graham St.
Apt #3
Pittsburgh, PA
15232

----------------------------------------------------------

tm tm
Brothers and sisters, again I feel compelled to update you on the
single greatest source of slack known to mankind:


Bob Tilton.


Yes, your favorite TV evangelist is still out there and GOING STRONG!
Ever since I called the Robert Tilton Ministries at (214) 620-6200 and
asked for my "free book", I have been mailed, free of charge:

The aforementioned book, _God's Miracle Plan for Man_ ($$$ --> salvation)
Three "miracle" prayer cloths
A package of miracle anointing oil
The Jordan River Holy Anointing Water flask
5 large posters of Bob
The "Miracle Ropes of Deliverance" to "Bind Demons" (see p.128, #15, the BOOK) Several copies of their magazines and newspapers
Many, many, many "convincing" Biblical arguments for why I should send $$$$ ...and lots more!


Bob Tilton is a SubGenius.


Here are a few reasons why:

1) He rips off pinks for a living
2) He rants like a mother fucker ("Satan I BIND THEE! Demons of
tobacco smoking I BIND THEE! Demons of lymph node cancer I BIND
THEE!") In fact, in his latest rant, just today he said: "I'm a Pink
Duck, I'm not a white duck! They don't know what to do with me!
Everyone else is a white duck, they just waddle around...I'm drunk
with the holy spirit today...I'm a Pink Duck..."
3) He signs everything "Bob", (no quotes, but close enough!)
4) Where does he live? Dallas, TX? Hmmm...
5) The latest copy of his newspaper had a drawing on the cover that
looked almost exactly like the cover of "Three-Fisted Tales", except
it was Tilton's face instead of J.R.'s. The article is entitled,
"Take Your Foot Off the Brake"...sound familiar?


If you want to fall over laughing every couple of days when you read
your mail, call (214) 620-6200 and ask them to "send you information."
You'll be on their mailing list for months. Don't give them your
phone number, though. Do it, or kill me.


I usually have too much slack to even care about posting, but
something about this article in the latest issue of "Circle of
Blessing", written by Tilton's wife made me do it:

"You wives must submit to your husbands' leadership in the same way
you submit to the Lord. For a husband is in charge of his wife in the
same way Christ is in charge of his Body the Church...So you wives
must willingly obey your husbands in everything, just as the Church
obeys Christ." -Marte Tilton

God I love fundamentalists. Praise "Bob" (& Bob!)


-St. Mog the Unholy


----------------------------------------------------------------
"`Brakes' are all that keep us from committing ANYTHING WE MIGHT
IMAGINE IN OUR MOST WARPED FANTASIES"
-Book of the SubGenius, p. 39

"Take your foot off the brake!"
-Bob Tilton, "Circle of Blessing", Oct 1990 p.12 ------------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Kultural Kriticism Korner

Ever notice that most breakfast cereal campaigns, especially those
targeted at the young, are based on torment and suffering? Here
are some examples:

Trix: The Trix Rabbit is in an eternal existential dilemma,
his existence centered around a substance that generations of smiling, rosy-cheeked Calvinist children deny him, intoning the mantra
'Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!'

Lucky Charms: Here, the character is the eternal bearer of the
desired commodity, but this only makes him fair game for all types
of assaults on his life and liberty. Much like Prometheus, Lucky
the Leprechaun is tortured for the gifts he bears.

Cocoa Puffs: The Cocoa Puffs Bird is, quite simply, the moral
equivalent of a recovering alcoholic. Of course, the armies of
[white anglo-saxon] children are always tempting him with the
substance he plainly both wants to and needs to avoid at all costs.
Those who wonder why otherwise reasonable adults will try to serve
drinks to a known alcoholic need look no further than this modern
morality play.

Fruity and Cocoa Pebbles: The Pebbles cereals are presented as
so desirable that Barney Rubble will repeatedly, and with no apparent
regrets, resort to fraud and theft against his best friend Fred
Flintstone.

Anyone needing to know why the young people of America seem to
be amoral nihilists need only consider the moral lessons they get
free with every box.

T. Rev

----------------------------------------------------------

DIET TIPS

1. Begin your diet by weighing yourself while wearing a parka, several
hats, the ski outfit you haven't worn in years, construction boots,
a codpiece, and thirty or forty rectal thermometers. Each week, wear
one less thing when weighing yourself.

2. Discontinue drinking carbonated beverages. Switch to products
whose fizz has been created by the addition of helium.

3. Start drinking.

4. Always keep in mind that two of the fastest ways to lose excess
weight are amputation and decapitation.

5. Keep a picture of Roseanne Barr on your refrigerator. Play "special"
rendition of the Star Spangled Banner during meal times.

6. Install a superconducting maglev bathroom floor under your scale.

7. Start smoking.

8. Hang around with fat people. You won't lose weight this way, but
you'll feel much better.

9. Read "Diuretics" by L. Ron Hubbard.

10. Eat whole grain foods, cottage cheese, and low calorie plain
yoghurt. Throw up. Repeat indefinitely.

----------------------------------------------------------

In article <4811@helios.TAMU.EDU> jamie@stat.tamu.edu (James) writes:

I have no money.
I have no job.
I have no job openings found after a semester and a half of searching.
I have no ties.

Congratulations on your achievement. Many of us spend many years *working* in order to attain such SLACKfullness.

i am lost

Excremeditate on the pure white light of stupidity. Consult the Firesigns, especially the words of Barney *HONK*. I think we're all bozos on this bus.

i need slack

It appears that you have attained the SLACK that is not SLACK. Or not. Or kill me. Or kill "Bob."

Where can I find slack?

Send all of your remaining money to

First Church of Kryste (Alchemist) and
Discount House of Worship
3021 Cornwallis Road
Research Triangle Park, NC 27709

Attention: Dobbshead Acolyte Putz

you will receive SLACK in abundance. You will not receive SLACK in the return mail. You will, through the inexplicable and, in fact, unreturnable mystery
of Fornicationalism, receive SLACK immediately upon inserting your post paid Izness Eply Nvelope into the mail. Put your hands on the mailbox. Say Hallelujah. Thank you. Give me a dollar.

alt.slack?

no
i just tried that
there was no slack there

Of course. It has all gone to PSUVM.

*sigh*

spl
--
Steve Lamont, sciViGuy (919) 248-1120 EMail: spl@ncsc.org
NCSC, Box 12732, Research Triangle Park, NC 27709
"...though you may have the falcon yet we certainly have you."
Dashiell Hammett, _The Maltese Falcon_

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A lonely women fled down the street.
@@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@ She was angry at the world and
@@@@@@ @@@@@@ generally unhappy. Then she tripped
@@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ over a rock and became enlightened.
@@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@
@@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ Her lightness was very contagious
@@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ and with a few days her entire town
@@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@ O @@@ was enlightened and by the end of the
@@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@ month, a crisis crisis was felt in
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ } @@@ full force.
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ Then it wore off and everyone got
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@ back to fighting, lying and generally
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ being unhappy. It seems that her
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ enlightenment was not a Bud
@@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ enlightenment.
@@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@
@@@@ _~ ,en, `@@@~ en `@ ]l J@@@
@@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@ |
@@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@ -+-
@@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@ j
@@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@
@@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@
@@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
@@@@@_ @@@@@@ @@ @@@@@@@@@@ ;$@@@@
@@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w, wU@@w'],@@@@@@
@@@@@@@ @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@ $20
@@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@
@@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@ YOU'VE ONLY GOT EIGHT YEARS, PINK BOY
@@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@ @@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@ @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ F N O R D
@@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ @@@@@@@@@
@@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@
@@@ , ,ww,w@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@P _@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Send all soiled female underwear to:
@@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Holy Temple of Mass Consumption
@@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ PO Box 30904
@@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Raleigh, NC 27622
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------



Holy Temple of Mass $ >>> slack@ncsu.edu <<< $ "My used underwear
Consumption! $ $ is legal tender in
PO Box 30904 $ BBS: (919) 782-3095 $ 28 countries!"
Raleigh, NC 27622 $ Warning: I hoard pennies. $ --"Bob"



Elmer
telnet://ricksbbs.synchro.net:23
---
þ Synchronet þ Rick's BBS telnet://ricksbbs.synchro.net:23

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ C H U R C H of the S U B G E N I U S $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ *N*E*W*S $$$$$$$ $$$$$ Praise "Bob" Or Kill me. $$$$$$ $$$$ Issue #3 $$$$$

Contents:

Updated Pledge
Barbeque of Doom
The Book of SHAG
PHILOsophy of the day
New Clench

For more info, send all your money to:

Holy Temple of Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu
PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET
Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coined by Rodney Ward, a man well known and... well, not exactly loved,
by the University of California Police, Berkeley Precinct {smirk}

I PLEDGE A MILLION
TO THE FUND
OF THE AMERICAN SPHERE OF INFLUENCE,
AND TO THE REPUBLICANS
FOR WHOM WE SCAM.

ONE NATION,
UNDERFED,
INDEFENSIBLE,
WITH LIBERTY FOR JUST US
OVER ALL.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

BAR-BE-QUE OF DOOM (a space age love story)

She led him into the bedroom with a smile on her
lip.
"Aha! Good easy buttsex!" he thought
lackadaisically. "Good thing I brought my penis!" he
chuckled to himself.
"What?" she asked, momentarily unsure of the
situation. After all, he wasn't good looking, what with
a cleft head and all.
"Oh, nothing!" he said with a toothy grin.
"No, really, what?" she said aging.
"Oh, I was just glad I brought this." He reached
into his pocket and pulled out a swollen ivory fist.
"ooooh, ahhhh," she grunted. "That's good, because
I brought THIS!" she reached into her pouch and pulled
out a disfigured foot.
"This will be fun! Just like you promised in your
ad!" he blurted.
She drew him down onto the futon. He lay back, but
something pricked him in the back.
"Ack! What's this?!?" he articulated, pulling a huge
mandible out from under the covers.
"Oh, don't worry yourself with that, love. Look at
this?" she said thrusting her cat in his face.
"What!"
"Oh, woops. I mean this?" she said, shoving her
face in his face.
"Hm." he thought, "she has a weird face." In fact,
she had a huge wiry hair coming out of her tooth. She
kissed him with restrained abandon. The way her hair
tickled his esophagus really excited his pulsating fist.
"Watch this!" he whispered lewdly, hoping to turn
her on. He friskily fluttered his eyeflap at her lap,
which groaned restlessly with a torpid passion.
"Do me!" she said sarcastically. She rolled over
and spread her cheeks in a very ladylike fashion, which
reminded him of Princess Di or Al Sharpton. He drew out
his ivory fist and paused. She reached back and handed
him some tarry looking substance with bits of meat and
bone in it. He lubricated the fist thoughtfully and
gingerly rammed it home. She cried for more while he
increased the tempo of his plunging stroked her well-
formed placenta until she climaxed. A thick and soupy
sludge emerged from her sternum with tired irony.
"oh you're so good!" she sighed. He removed the
fist and she rolled over, gasping for nitrogen. He
pensively caressed her lungbag with his good stump.
Suddenly, she hit him in the head with the
disfigured foot.
"Ngsfll!" he screamed. "What'd you do that for?!?"
"That tickled, " she countered with disdainful
flatulence as she careened his cleft cranium again.
"Snit!" he cried as his tooth flew from his sweaty
mouth.
"C'mere lover. Do me right!" She threw him back
against the bed and straddled him. He smiled in spite
of the blood flowing from his gums. Suddenly, a three
fingered appendage quickly emerged from her gaping
vaginal orifice to grab his manhood. It dropped the leg
and then correctly pulled the pulsating pecker into the.
"Hi-yah!" he screamed wildly. She held him down w/
all of her arms. "Smanch Snig Fnortgobbel Shit!" she
screamed. Her jaws opened to a monstrous proportion and
ripped off his lips with her suction leg. Amidst all of
his screaming and wild gyrating, he strangley thought,
"hm. funny I never noticed those suction legs."
That was the last thought he ever thought, though,
because she then opened her vagina and sucked him in,
where a small creature inside efficiently dismembered his
cerebellum.
"Thanks, Dad." said the creature inside as it
absorbed the flesh voraciously.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BOOK OF SHAG

Heed my words, oh miniscule and pulchritudinous ones. Hear and heed, you
who do not fellatiate, and you who know not the meaning of the great and
high remex. The end is near. You must heed and follow the things I will
speak unto you, the words of the great gods, the god of the windowshade,
the god of the distributor cap, the god of the blue bikini underwear and
most importantly the god of the dead japanese beetle somewhere on the
campus of rutgers university. By heeding these words, you will improve
the gas mileage of your car, enter into a new age of harmony, peace,
happiness, and belgian waffles. Bring things home each day and not pay
for them until next september, and make sure that your life is sanctioned
and guarded by the great race of aliens which will land any day now in
Starkville Mississippi and revolutionise the way you wash dishes. Be sure
to not be left out when all human males become obsolete as females flock
to the alien males and their new, improved, user-friendly genitalia mark
five systems! You must make your genitalia blue, anointing it with
indigo. Anoint also your ears, your nose, the back of your neck, and the
fourth toe of each foot, the most holy of all toes.

I speak to you of the coming of the greater race. You shall know them by
their stature, by their countenance, by their language, unlike any that
man has ever heard, and by their sexual prowess. Behold, they shall land
in a small town, Starkille, and shall walk the earth among the children,
and you shall not know them. Many will say in those days, "The gods are
walking the earth, the gods are walking the earth," but they shall be
scoffed upon and spit upon and fucked hard by prostitutes in cheap motels
then bankrupted by the media. But you will pay them no attention and
merely stop sending your donations. But then, the greater race will
reveal themselves in all their glory for all mankind to see. The truth
will be known, and the truth will be that mankind has not paid their lease
and is being evicted, a new race takes over the planet, please move the
furniture out and clean the carpeting before you leave. Behold a wonder:
your children and their children shall mate, producing a better race yet,
but you, the unbelievers, shall be sentenced to 40 time units of wandering
in the outer dust clouds of the andromeda sector aboard a tiny spaceship
called the minnow.

So, lo, woe, yo, repent while you still are young on an archaelogic scale.
The world must be saved by the horrors that are low-density disks, AM
radio, and non-FOX television. You must learn to live without processed
spinach products, to wean your children on their father's milk,. and to
accept that power strips and LSD are things of the past. Synthesise your
offspring carefully so that when the time of the great choosing comes,
your sons and daughters may be chosen by the greater race to participate
in furthering their race, in the strange ritual of the cosmic fuck, the
antithesis of the hells of knowledge, riches, and power, the fulfillment
of the postmodern dream of red lights, t-squares, and paint blotches.
Prepare yourselves for the day of the final inkblot judgement, wherein all
shall be tested for blot and blood type. In that day, some will say,
"verily, it is an aston-martin, in O positive." To those, the coming one
will say, "farewell, you were never a phlebotomist, just a prick, depart
from here into an eternity of dimness and cheap paperback novels and
genuine IBM computers." But in that fateful day, some will say, "truly,
it is two schnauzers chasing a naked woman, in AB negative." To those,
the coming one will say, "come, join me at the cosmic sock hop, you are
one of my own, you will live an eternity of free drinks and beautiful
tragically hip waifs."

For I have been spoken these things by the angels of light, hermetic
seals, and the small purple man painted on my wall, who read them from the
great platinum plates upon which they were inscribed from the supernatural
force of the great god of the cunny, who swallows all things for the
better of his followers. I have seen the light, I have been enlightened,
I speak the truth to you, heed it and save your lives and those of your
fellow neighbour's wife and your neighbour's ass, or do not hear my words,
and turn a deaf ear to them, and forever suffer in this meaningless
existance. The gods have spoken, I have written, and the pen, having
writ, runs out of ink, on this, the next to the last of the last days...


-The Book of Shag-

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A lonely women fled down the street.
@@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@ She was angry at the world and
@@@@@@ @@@@@@ generally unhappy. Then she tripped
@@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ over a rock and became enlightened.
@@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@
@@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ Her lightness was very contagious
@@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ and with a few days her entire town
@@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@ O @@@ was enlightened and by the end of the
@@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@ month, a crisis crisis was felt in
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ } @@@ full force.
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ Then it wore off and everyone got
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@ back to fighting, lying and generally
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ being unhappy. It seems that her
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ enlightenment was not a Bud
@@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ enlightenment.
@@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@
@@@@ _~ ,en, `@@@~ en `@ ]l J@@@
@@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@
@@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@
@@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@
@@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@
@@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@
@@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
@@@@@_ @@@@@@ @@ @@@@@@@@@@ ;$@@@@
@@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w, wU@@w'],@@@@@@
@@@@@@@ @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@ $20
@@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@
@@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@ YOU'VE ONLY GOT EIGHT YEARS, PINK BOY
@@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@ @@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@ @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ @@@@@@@@@
@@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@
@@@ , ,ww,w@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@P _@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: fuck it, man...just gimme da bread
Keywords: CASH! MONEY! SLACK! ah, feh.

Anyone who's got their head to bleed enough, send me a dollar for
cool stuff, two bucks for stuff that sucks the skin off, but leaves your
warts intack, five bucks for tapes of my tea parties with the xists, and $500,000 for a limb of your choice. Or just send me a stamp.

Reverend Suspect Device
P.O. Box 156
Amherst, NY 14216

ALL ONE! Shit, guys...just piss in an envelope and I'll be in raptures. Put a check in though. And if you can handle the extra postage, slip in the most nubile female available. Or livestock - we're not
picky. SNAP INTO IT!

--
Rev. Suspect Device v061regm@ubvmsd.bitnet "Fuck 'em if they can't take Fnepnfz vf gur bayl v061regm@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu a joke." - J.R. "Bob" Dobbs fvta bs vagryyvtrapr Naq Lrnu! Fraq zr gjragl Attn: all SubGeniuses! The qbyynef sbe "Obo"! Cvaxf Shpx Bss!!! *4 LINES!* FCEEEB wants YOU(r money)!



Rixter
telnet://ricksbbs.synchro.net:23
http://ricksbbs.synchro.net:8080
IRC www.irccloud.com/irc/ricksbbs/channel/ricksbbs
---
þ Synchronet þ Rick's BBS telnet://ricksbbs.synchro.net:23

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ C H U R C H of the S U B G E N I U S $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ *N*E*W*S $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ Issue #4 $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ Praise "Bob" Kill "Bob" Eat "Bob" Fnord "Bob $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Contents:

What is SLACK?
Witness for "Bob"
Tearing Down the Malls
Just who the hell is this "Bob" guy, anyway?
Clench Update
Update from Santa Cruz 25 Hour Clench

For more info, send all your money to:

Holy Temple of Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu
PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET
Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Slack is a warm puppy.
Slack is a gigantic warm-fuzzy, wrapped around a steaming, bloody dagger.
Slack is like alt.sex, but without the calm, accepting charm.
Slack is what "Bob" brings to all of us.
Slack is in Dan Quayle. Slack is in COBOL. Slack is in the walking dead.
Slack is in really, really bad haiku.
William Shakespeare has slack. Dodobirds had slack, but they died.
Salack is slack misspelled.
Freud had no slack. Oral Robert's only slack is in his name.
When you have slack, the world beats a path to your door, and then ties you
up and licks warm mayonaisse of your nipples. When you have no slack, the
world beats up up, turtles piss on you, and big, ugly, hairy guys named Bruno sodomize you repeatedly. Which is better? You be the judge.
This is not to say I have anything in particular against being sodomized by big, ugly, hairy guys named Bruno. Hell, everyone needs a hobby. It's just
not for me. And I have no slack. So there.
Slack is warm and slippery. WHen you have lots of slack, it oozes out of
you, and lightly coats your floor, and sticks to your shoes.
Slack is in hostess twinkees.
Slack is in Plan Nine From Outer Space.
Slack is in The Witches.
Slack is not in Darkman.
Slack is really sort of sweet and smurflike, and you want to love everything and be sweet and buy carebears and then RIP THEIR HEADS OFF AND SHIT ON THEM AND DESECRATE AND BURN THE LITTLE RATFUCKERS. Slack is full of
contradictions, and is good.
Slack is a warm puppy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAA!


....herein lies my witnessing to the power of "Bob":
My car was stolen while I was reveling in Slack at WICN, a public station, gleefully playing tunes for my audience [small as it is]. Well, I finally arrived home [after having been given a Test to see if I still exercise my Sense
of Humour] at 06h00...attempting to sleep [and failing], I was moved to get out of bed at about 8ish as one of my Friendly Neighbors thought that 8 in the morning is a good time to save my soul with cheezy gospel tunes [the ones that all sound the same-- a sustain-by-vibrato on every word]. I was rolling in my angst until about 11ish, when I decided to hear the "What did we tell you about that town" lecture from my father; I wound up hanging up, very -ahem- distraught
and Slackless. Glenn was headed to That's Entertainment, so I felt the need to tag along. I recouped my lost Slack by pouring over lurid pulp comics, and feeling generally good.
I went back to my place refreshed, only to have to deal with my father trying to harrass me more. While I was being harrassed, Jeremey [mpython] burst in with words that I will never forget: "I found your fuckin car, man!" I hung up on my father, grabbed the flak jacket and zoomed out the door. Two blocks from my house, I found it there...intact...with junk food wrappers all up in it and tghe only [visible] damage beyond scratches and minor dents was that they had cracked the column to get it going.
Needless to say, I was elated...I looked up from the car...and there, there RIGHT where the car was ditched not TWO blocks from my house...THERE, sprayed on the concrete...was a Dobbshead and the message: "Slack".
Jeremey is now the longest-lasting ShortDurPerSav that I have ever had. He is marked by Dobbs...Honour him...


Disclaimer: "I'm the only one foolish enough to claim these opinions as mine." ------------Reality---------------------------Outside----------
INet: crimson@wpi.wpi.edu 100 Insitute Rd #296
UUNet: ...!wpi!crimson Worcester MA 01609
Others: crimson%<your favorite gateway here>@wpi.wpi.edu

Blue Blaze Irregular Havoc In The Society: Bronnton of Atlantia
Rev. Dkr. Nick LaRG0, ASC of the First Orthodox MegaSpooTemple of the
Squirting Yeti Dobbs, Clench of the Unrepentant Gunman and Shrine of the
Sacred Bleeding Head.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"He's seeing monsters. He's losing his mind and he feels it going."

Last Friday I went to the mall to be a Part of the Problem, on this,
the busiest shopping day of the year.

Yeah!

I went to Dillards and bitched the lady out for not having the right
color of perfume! "My girlfriend wants blue, dammit, blue!!"
(I don't even have a girlfriend...)

Yeah!

And I bought a Hot Dog, with Ketchup and Mustard, and a Pepsi, a
Medium Pepsi, "that'll be 89 cents for your Pepsi, sir..." and
sat down on the bench and ate the hell out of my Hot Dog, much
to the unhappiness of a couple grils who passing by on their
way to J C Penny's 5% off sale, for they really hate it when
strange xibotic characters eat the hell out of Hot Dogs in public.

"Grosssss!" she said. That's what she said.

Yeah!

And I went to the arcade, to vent my frustrations of not having anyone
to buy presents for, cuz I have no girlfriend, and don't particularly
like my family, they live in Texas anyway, so I go into the arcade, to
play SmashTV for a couple hours, but they don't have SmashTV, so I smash
a couple other CRT's and come out even MORE frustrated then before.

"Mommy, that guy just smashed Ms.Pacman!"

Yeah!

So back into the Mall go I. Walking along past the Radio Shack, where
they're having a 3 1/2 % off sale on items they've been selling for
the past 15 years. "Only $999 for this cruddy old XT-compatible computer!" "Comes with DOS!" So I go into Radio Shack, where they have bins of
batteries, separated by type, and I MIX up the contents of the bins,
so every bin has every type of battery, and then I walk out.

"Can I sign you up for our catalog mail service, sir?" "No! Fuck off!"

Yeah!

And I walk by these two pretty sorority babes who've just came out
of a shoe store where they've bought three pairs of high heels. I hate
high heels. Every time I see high heels I think of the abuse the spikes
are doing the floor, and I just wanna scream. So I do.

And they give me nervous looks and run away.

Yeah!

Next thing I know I'm in a toy store and I'm buying this ultra-realistic
copy of the AK-47, wondering why a toy has to be so realistic, but anyway,
I take the copy, and I go to Santa Claus, and I walk over the barriers,
and all the children scream, "he's cheating!" and take a little girl out
of Santa's lap and I throw her back into the crowds, and I prod the AK-47
into Santa's belly, and the Elf, Santa's helper, yells "Omigod he's taken
Santa Claus HOSTAGE!"

"AAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" I screamed, maniacally, as all the people
and the snotty little kids run away.

And then the security guards came and I ran like hell.

And that's how I celebrated Thanksgiving.


Xibo

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

In article <3753@qip.UUCP>, bobm@qip.UUCP (Bob Maccione) writes:

OK, could somebody please explain 'slack' and BoB ( or is it bob ) to me.
I asked everybody here and no-one knows ( or else they aren't telling ).
I think I saw the bob you all talk about in the Badger comic book awhile back. Guy with a suit and a pipe, right ?

No. "Bob" was the pipe with the guy and a suit. "Bob" was the suit with a
guy and a pipe. "Bob" was the region of 4-space which was hollowed out by
the guy with the suit and the pipe. "Bob" was the region between the ink
and the page. "Bob" is what you read when you read between the lines on a blank sheet of paper. "Bob" is the sound of one hand picking wallets.

You can learn even less about "Bob" by going to a bookstore and buying the "Book of the SubGenius." You may even be able to find The Book at a library, but it will be in a welded, lead-lined safe in the Rare and Ancient Book section.

The less you know about "Bob" the closer to "Bob" you are. "Bob" himself is COMPLETELY IGNORANT of his own existance. Praise be to "Bob"!!
--
John Woods, Charles River Data Systems, Framingham MA, (508) 626-1101 ...!decvax!frog!john, john@frog.UUCP, ...!mit-eddie!jfw, jfw@eddie.mit.edu

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


I thought you all would like to be informed of the tremendous existance of
the Goddess of the Northeastern United States, Tennessee, Arkansas,
Cleveland and Tulsa in the church of the SubGenius(the church being
something I haven't heard mentioned at all on this news group). She
is the most incredible female anyone will ever be cognizant of in
their lifetime. Seriously. She does the Rochester, NY version of
the Hour of Slack, and all the hierarchs want to make mad passion-
ate love to her. Just listen to either KPFA or KNON. SHe loves you,
and y'all should love her too. Eris played euchre with her in college
and agrees she is worthy of your attentions. Very, extremely humble, too. Watch for her in the next Stark Fist (called the Stark Filth) and
Factsheet 5. Not that I'm advertising for her wonderfulness, but if
you'd like to send her money, or just experience for yourself the only
female avatar fof slack(and a nice, smart girl too) you can contact\
her at pobox 18754, Rochester NY 14618.
Remember, GOBI, she's neat, sweet, has great feet, knows her glands
and can whip Nhee Ghee's butt in a second. Connie is jealous of her!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes well, here is a latest update from the Santa Cruz 25 Hour Clench.

If ya'll don't know where Santa Cruz is, well lets just say that
its the same town that is depicted in the movie Lost Boys. Its
much spookier than that though.... The Boardwalk (the amusement
park from the movie) is opening a Two-Story Indoor Miniature Golf
Course. This alone makes this town a mondo-bizarro cool place to
hang and chase bobbies. Killer Clowns from Outer Space was also
filmed here...

We have a *huge* SubGenius colony here. Ya can't go too far in this
town without seein that piped-and-'smilin face starin right back at ya.
Under bridges, on cars, deep in the forest, in the bookstores, and
especially on our gleaming campus of UC Santa Cruz (or is it UC
Santa Carla???) that overlooks the Monterey Bay.

Some of the Reverends in Residence here are:

Rev. Kareem du Gristle (myself)
Rev. Patio Daddy-o
Rev. Banshee
Rev. Chroma
Rev. Seaweed (Demi-glob Seaweed)
Rev. Superior
Rev. Borneo (king of the free faxin of "Bob" to random places)
Rev. Madwoman
Rev. Lorax (Dominatrix Maximus)
Rev. Das (famous for his Negativland work on Escape from Noise)
Rev. Sarahel
Rev. Pseudo
Rev. Uberbutt (Uberman inc)
Rev. Crisper Diction

this to name a few....

I recently had a "Bob" face starin out at a large campus wide
lip-sync contest, and had a "Bobtar" on stage with me during our
rendition of "Sweat Loaf" by the Butthole Surfers.

Soon, the band NoMeansNo will play here. These true musical gods
are immortalized in a quote from their song The Day Everything Became
Nothing: "Its weird being a Bob, but I'll get used to it, I'll have to!"

As far as "Bob" TV appearances are concerned, we have all seen the
automobile ad with the "YIELD TO BOB" signs all over it...

But a much more notable appearance is at the end of the movie
Cleopatra Jones, when she walks away after vanquishing the bad guys,
"Bob" piped and smiling, looks on from the crowd.... very clear
sighting there....

enjoy jello,

Rev. Kareem du Gristle

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A lonely women fled down the street.
@@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@ She was angry at the world and
@@@@@@ @@@@@@ generally unhappy. Then she tripped
@@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ over a rock and became enlightened.
@@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@
@@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ Her lightness was very contagious
@@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ and with a few days her entire town
@@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@ O @@@ was enlightened and by the end of the
@@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@ month, a crisis crisis was felt in
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ } @@@ full force.
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ Then it wore off and everyone got
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@ back to fighting, lying and generally
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ being unhappy. It seems that her
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ enlightenment was not a Bud
@@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ enlightenment.
@@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@
@@@@ _~ ,en, `@@@~ en `@ ]l J@@@
@@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@
@@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@
@@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@
@@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@
@@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@
@@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
@@@@@_ @@@@@@ @@ @@@@@@@@@@ ;$@@@@
@@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w, wU@@w'],@@@@@@
@@@@@@@ @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@ $20
@@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@
@@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@ YOU'VE ONLY GOT EIGHT YEARS, PINK BOY
@@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@ @@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@ @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ F N O R D
@@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ @@@@@@@@@
@@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@
@@@ , ,ww,w@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@P _@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kurt,
telnet://ricksbbs.synchro.net:23
http://ricksbbs.synchro.net:8080
---
þ Synchronet þ Rick's BBS telnet://ricksbbs.synchro.net:23

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ C H U R C H of the S U B G E N I U S $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ *N*E*W*S $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ Issue #5 $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ Killing "Bob" over and over again each day $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Contents:

What is Slack?
PsychoSlackPoem
Native American Slack
The Church of the Small Boy
Dobbshead Offer
Undercover Subgenius: Rev. Robert Tilton
Kultural Kriticism Korner
"Bob"'s Diet Tips
RTP Slack Update

For more info, send all your money to:

Holy Temple of Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu
PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET
Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere

..and yes, this IS the clench that is responsible for covering the
Free Expression Tunnel at NCSU with millions of Dobbsheads...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hope I'm not insulting anyone, but what is SLACK?
Did I cause any of it through this post?

Bob

If you were BoB and not just Bob, you wouldn't need to ask the question. But the opportunity to rant on Slack is irresistable...

What is Slack?

Slack is the universal substance of true divinity, it is grace, baraka, free time, having more food than you need. Slack is the state of security where nothing anyone says could possibly insult you. Slack is the sound of one hand giving the finger to the Con in all its manifestations. He who has Slack
can have any mood he desires, or no mood at all. The slackful person is indifferent to the presence or absence of possessions of all types.

You cannot buy or sell slack, but money can be converted into slack if you
have the proper attitude. If you need to ask what the proper attitude is,
you do not have Slack and cannot convert money into it. You can have slack without money, again with the proper attitude.

Superficial imitators, those who do not have slack but covet it, will tell you all sorts of things about it, usually the most boring manifestation is that they ask you to send them money. The truly slackful person would not accept money from people stupid enough to send it to them.

It is actually possible to configure a dorm or other room to maximize its slack-attractiveness, but this task cannot be done according to surface evaluations of how cool, sexual, rebellious, or kitschy each individual item may or may not be according to temporary, youth-culture standards. The arrangement of the items in the room, and their composition, is more important than any socio-cultural connotations of those objects.

If you believe any of this, and try to act on it, you have no slack. The holder of true slack is totally indifferent to what slackless people say about slack, or about anything else. Slack is bullshit, in contrast to the Con and its minions, who are all horseshit-based.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

It matters not that the police of thought
Are breathing down my back.
They will back down, for I act like a clown
And fool them all with slack.

"What's all the fuss? He's ridiculous."
The Men In Black shall intone.
I'll scamper and drool. I'll play the fool,
And I'll keep my mind my own.

In plain sight I'll hide. I'll let them feel pride
Believing the've taken my Sallack.
But as I cavort, I'll have my own sport
And stab them in their fat backs.

Hide in plain sight.
No one cares what the clowns do.
(Until they pull out the knives, but then it's too late.)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh all this talk about pinks and cons. Makes me wonder how history could have been different if the Native Americans of North America know about "Bob". Out on the old long and lonesome praire it must have been a snap to spot the Pinks.

I heard a story about one Brave who had SLACK whether he or anybody
else knew it. After his traditional way of life was destroyed he took to hanging out on the Main Street (TM) of Pinksville. By playing dumb, he made his living. When folks new to the West came to town, the first thing
they heard about was the indian who was so stoopid that he didn't know the value of money; if you offered him a dime and a nickel, but only told him he could take one, he would take the nickel, because it was bigger. Finally, one of the Brave's friends said to him, "now lookee here, you know a dime is
worth more than a nickel, so why do you take the nickel?" And the Brave answered, "Because if I took the dime, they wouldn't do it any more".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Now hear this:

The Church of The Small Boy lives! BoB is with us and is living
on our Fridge Door, guarded by the Red-Double-Decker Bus fridge-magnet
the fire-engine magnet, and The Pocket Anarchist.

We *ARE* BoB's true disciples in London, accept no other and send
US all of your money NOW! You CAN be saved from the forces of PINK!
Accept SLACK! SLACK FLOWS IN LONDON AT LAST! Nasty Americans, send
US YOUR SLACK! Post it to us HERE and NOW! Your soul can be saved!


We shall return.

-----------
Disclaimer: "Bluebell Railway!"
mail: the address at the top, epsilon@cix.uucp
-----------

----------------------------------------------------------

For a limitted time we are proud to offer you this once in a
lifetime chance to "own" "Bob"!!

Thats right! Now you can be the envey of those around you by
having "Bob" in your very own home, dorm, apt. or even right in your
hip pocket.

This special product will bring good-luck, spirtural-fulfillment,
and above all, dramatically increased sexual powers!


And this is how: Send me 1(one) U.S. dollar and a SASE and
I will send you a B&W "scanned" "Bobs-head" suitable for framing,
displaying, or lining your cat's litterbox.

For 1(one) dollar and the price of a stamp you will receive:

2 (two) 11 X 17 inch (huge!) "Dobbs-heads"

3 (three) 81/2 X 11 inch (still real big!) "Dobbs-heads"

These reproductions are of the highest quality and are waiting for you!

And, for a limitted time, if you also send a 5 1/4 or 3 1/2 inch
diskette (unformatted!) I will also send you the TIFF file of "Bob"
so you can make your own posters, go into busness for yourself, and
make millions!

YES! All this and extra SLACK! for only 1(one) dollar.
You cannot afford to pass this offer up. Act now...or pay latter!


Louis B. Stein
350 S. Graham St.
Apt #3
Pittsburgh, PA
15232

----------------------------------------------------------

tm tm
Brothers and sisters, again I feel compelled to update you on the
single greatest source of slack known to mankind:


Bob Tilton.


Yes, your favorite TV evangelist is still out there and GOING STRONG!
Ever since I called the Robert Tilton Ministries at (214) 620-6200 and
asked for my "free book", I have been mailed, free of charge:

The aforementioned book, _God's Miracle Plan for Man_ ($$$ --> salvation)
Three "miracle" prayer cloths
A package of miracle anointing oil
The Jordan River Holy Anointing Water flask
5 large posters of Bob
The "Miracle Ropes of Deliverance" to "Bind Demons" (see p.128, #15, the BOOK) Several copies of their magazines and newspapers
Many, many, many "convincing" Biblical arguments for why I should send $$$$ ...and lots more!


Bob Tilton is a SubGenius.


Here are a few reasons why:

1) He rips off pinks for a living
2) He rants like a mother fucker ("Satan I BIND THEE! Demons of
tobacco smoking I BIND THEE! Demons of lymph node cancer I BIND
THEE!") In fact, in his latest rant, just today he said: "I'm a Pink
Duck, I'm not a white duck! They don't know what to do with me!
Everyone else is a white duck, they just waddle around...I'm drunk
with the holy spirit today...I'm a Pink Duck..."
3) He signs everything "Bob", (no quotes, but close enough!)
4) Where does he live? Dallas, TX? Hmmm...
5) The latest copy of his newspaper had a drawing on the cover that
looked almost exactly like the cover of "Three-Fisted Tales", except
it was Tilton's face instead of J.R.'s. The article is entitled,
"Take Your Foot Off the Brake"...sound familiar?


If you want to fall over laughing every couple of days when you read
your mail, call (214) 620-6200 and ask them to "send you information."
You'll be on their mailing list for months. Don't give them your
phone number, though. Do it, or kill me.


I usually have too much slack to even care about posting, but
something about this article in the latest issue of "Circle of
Blessing", written by Tilton's wife made me do it:

"You wives must submit to your husbands' leadership in the same way
you submit to the Lord. For a husband is in charge of his wife in the
same way Christ is in charge of his Body the Church...So you wives
must willingly obey your husbands in everything, just as the Church
obeys Christ." -Marte Tilton

God I love fundamentalists. Praise "Bob" (& Bob!)


-St. Mog the Unholy


----------------------------------------------------------------
"`Brakes' are all that keep us from committing ANYTHING WE MIGHT
IMAGINE IN OUR MOST WARPED FANTASIES"
-Book of the SubGenius, p. 39

"Take your foot off the brake!"
-Bob Tilton, "Circle of Blessing", Oct 1990 p.12 ------------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Kultural Kriticism Korner

Ever notice that most breakfast cereal campaigns, especially those
targeted at the young, are based on torment and suffering? Here
are some examples:

Trix: The Trix Rabbit is in an eternal existential dilemma,
his existence centered around a substance that generations of smiling, rosy-cheeked Calvinist children deny him, intoning the mantra
'Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!'

Lucky Charms: Here, the character is the eternal bearer of the
desired commodity, but this only makes him fair game for all types
of assaults on his life and liberty. Much like Prometheus, Lucky
the Leprechaun is tortured for the gifts he bears.

Cocoa Puffs: The Cocoa Puffs Bird is, quite simply, the moral
equivalent of a recovering alcoholic. Of course, the armies of
[white anglo-saxon] children are always tempting him with the
substance he plainly both wants to and needs to avoid at all costs.
Those who wonder why otherwise reasonable adults will try to serve
drinks to a known alcoholic need look no further than this modern
morality play.

Fruity and Cocoa Pebbles: The Pebbles cereals are presented as
so desirable that Barney Rubble will repeatedly, and with no apparent
regrets, resort to fraud and theft against his best friend Fred
Flintstone.

Anyone needing to know why the young people of America seem to
be amoral nihilists need only consider the moral lessons they get
free with every box.

T. Rev

----------------------------------------------------------

DIET TIPS

1. Begin your diet by weighing yourself while wearing a parka, several
hats, the ski outfit you haven't worn in years, construction boots,
a codpiece, and thirty or forty rectal thermometers. Each week, wear
one less thing when weighing yourself.

2. Discontinue drinking carbonated beverages. Switch to products
whose fizz has been created by the addition of helium.

3. Start drinking.

4. Always keep in mind that two of the fastest ways to lose excess
weight are amputation and decapitation.

5. Keep a picture of Roseanne Barr on your refrigerator. Play "special"
rendition of the Star Spangled Banner during meal times.

6. Install a superconducting maglev bathroom floor under your scale.

7. Start smoking.

8. Hang around with fat people. You won't lose weight this way, but
you'll feel much better.

9. Read "Diuretics" by L. Ron Hubbard.

10. Eat whole grain foods, cottage cheese, and low calorie plain
yoghurt. Throw up. Repeat indefinitely.

----------------------------------------------------------

In article <4811@helios.TAMU.EDU> jamie@stat.tamu.edu (James) writes:

I have no money.
I have no job.
I have no job openings found after a semester and a half of searching.
I have no ties.

Congratulations on your achievement. Many of us spend many years *working* in order to attain such SLACKfullness.

i am lost

Excremeditate on the pure white light of stupidity. Consult the Firesigns, especially the words of Barney *HONK*. I think we're all bozos on this bus.

i need slack

It appears that you have attained the SLACK that is not SLACK. Or not. Or kill me. Or kill "Bob."

Where can I find slack?

Send all of your remaining money to

First Church of Kryste (Alchemist) and
Discount House of Worship
3021 Cornwallis Road
Research Triangle Park, NC 27709

Attention: Dobbshead Acolyte Putz

you will receive SLACK in abundance. You will not receive SLACK in the return mail. You will, through the inexplicable and, in fact, unreturnable mystery
of Fornicationalism, receive SLACK immediately upon inserting your post paid Izness Eply Nvelope into the mail. Put your hands on the mailbox. Say Hallelujah. Thank you. Give me a dollar.

alt.slack?

no
i just tried that
there was no slack there

Of course. It has all gone to PSUVM.

*sigh*

spl
--
Steve Lamont, sciViGuy (919) 248-1120 EMail: spl@ncsc.org
NCSC, Box 12732, Research Triangle Park, NC 27709
"...though you may have the falcon yet we certainly have you."
Dashiell Hammett, _The Maltese Falcon_

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A lonely women fled down the street.
@@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@ She was angry at the world and
@@@@@@ @@@@@@ generally unhappy. Then she tripped
@@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ over a rock and became enlightened.
@@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@
@@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ Her lightness was very contagious
@@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ and with a few days her entire town
@@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@ O @@@ was enlightened and by the end of the
@@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@ month, a crisis crisis was felt in
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ } @@@ full force.
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ Then it wore off and everyone got
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@ back to fighting, lying and generally
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ being unhappy. It seems that her
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ enlightenment was not a Bud
@@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ enlightenment.
@@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@
@@@@ _~ ,en, `@@@~ en `@ ]l J@@@
@@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@ |
@@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@ -+-
@@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@ j
@@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@
@@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@
@@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
@@@@@_ @@@@@@ @@ @@@@@@@@@@ ;$@@@@
@@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w, wU@@w'],@@@@@@
@@@@@@@ @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@ $20
@@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@
@@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@ YOU'VE ONLY GOT EIGHT YEARS, PINK BOY
@@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@ @@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@ @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ F N O R D
@@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ @@@@@@@@@
@@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@
@@@ , ,ww,w@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@P _@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Send all soiled female underwear to:
@@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Holy Temple of Mass Consumption
@@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ PO Box 30904
@@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Raleigh, NC 27622
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------



Kurt,
telnet://ricksbbs.synchro.net:23
http://ricksbbs.synchro.net:8080
---
þ Synchronet þ Rick's BBS telnet://ricksbbs.synchro.net:23