Date: Mon, 8 Aug 1994 00:33:36 GMT

The following is a script written as a parody of the TV series
"The X-Files". It is called, "The X-Y-Z Files" and is about Agent Moldy
and his partner Agent Sullied and their investigation of a UFO landing in
a nearby park. Of course a slight miss-communication from Deep Throat
sends the investigation off and running!
The parody will be filmed (on Hi8 video) at the end of August 1994 and plans are to have it ready by October-November at the latest. Give it a read-through and let us know what you think; anything you think might
make a good addittion, let us know, there's still time to work it in!
ToNy (August 7, 1994) ******************************************************************************













X-Y-Z FILES

by

Tony Anderson & Lorren Bell




































X-Y-Z Files - July 19, 1994 - Draft 5 X-Y-Z-FILES Vers. 05

1 (Insert opening teaser scene)

2 CREDIT SEQUENCE

3 INT. - MOLDY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

FADE IN:

We pan across an unkept apartment as we
hear the film "Invasion of the Silicon Girls"
(1978 Vers.) in the background. In
particular, the scene where Veronica and
Betty fight off the beach ball alien. (Or
something similar).
Moldy is seated in a chair in front of a
television. He holds a remote control in his
hand as he sleeps lightly.
The PHONE RINGS; Moldy bolts awake and
picks up the receiver next to the chair.

MOLDY
Moldy.

DEEP THROAT
Agent Moldy?

MOLDY
Deep Throat? What is it, where are you?

DEEP THROAT
Are you watching television right now?

MOLDY
Yes, why?

DEEP THROAT
Turn it to channel 6.

Moldy points the remote at the television and
stops on channel 5 instead of channel 6, as
instructed.

MOLDY
Are you still there?
(pause)
Hello?... Hello?

Moldy hangs the phone up realizing Deep
Throat has hung up. He gets up out of the
chair and moves closer to the television as
he watches and listens to a video segment on
a UFO crash in a park.

MOLDY
(to himself)
This is incredible. I know where this
park is.


4 INT. - SULLIED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Sullied is sleeping soundly when the phone on
the bedside table rings loudly, waking her
from a deep sleep. She picks up the receiver
after two rings.

SULLIED
Hello.

MOLDY
Sullied, get over here quick.

SULLIED
Moldy, I hope this isn't another moon
rock sample.

MOLDY
No, this is bigger. I can't talk over
the phone.

SULLIED
What monuments on Mars?
(hangs up)

Sullied gets up and begins to dress quickly.

5 INT. - MOLDY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Sullied knocks on Moldy's door, half asleep.
Moldy opens the door with enthusiasm enough
to make anybody sick.

MOLDY
Sullied, get in here quick, somebody may
have been following you.

He motions her inside and closes the door.

SULLIED
Not likely Moldy, they're probably
asleep at 3 a.m..

MOLDY
I was watching television and the phone
rang.

We hear "Invasion of the Silicon Girls" has
returned to the television.


SULLIED
I wonder what the odds of that happening
are? You answered it? Wasn't it bugged
Moldy?

MOLDY
I thought of that.

Sullied rolls her eyes; obviously Moldy
didn't get her point. He continues on...


MOLDY
I picked up the phone and Deep Throat
spoke to me.

There is a pause as Sullied contemplates.

SULLIED
Moldy why don't you find some
companionship, like maybe a sheep!

She starts to leave and he stops her.

MOLDY
No, no wait a minute, you don't
understand. Deep Throat is an anonymous
Government contact who has given us
leads in the past.

SULLIED
You mean there's more like you in the
Bureau?

MOLDY
You can't imagine how many people
believe.....

SULLIED
So what did this Mr. Throat tell you.

MOLDY
It wasn't that he told me anything. It
was what he showed me on television.

Sullied looks over at the television and sees
"Invasion".

SULLIED
He told you to watch this,
how.....educational.

MOLDY
No, no. He told me to watch a specific
channel that was featuring a news story
on a nearby UFO crash site.

SULLIED
And?

MOLDY
And Sullied, I know where that site is.
If I could find even a small fragment of
evidence it could blow the lid off all
of the cover-ups.


6 EXT. - PARK CRASH SITE - DAY

Moldy and Sullied are walking across the
grass in the park where the supposed crash
site was.

MOLDY
(Looking at the grass)
Look for the ship's landing imprints,
Sullied.

Feeling ridiculous and a bit embarrassed,
Sullied looks at Moldy peering through the
grass and decides to take action. She looks
down at her foot and looks at the grass. She
shrugs and stamps her foot down hard,
pressing a small spot down. She walks a few
inches away and calls out to Moldy.

SULLIED
Moldy, I think I found something.
Moldy rushes over to her side.

MOLDY
What is it?

She points to the mark she had just made in
the grass. He bends down and examines it.

SULLIED
Is that what we're looking for?

MOLDY
This is incredible. This is the same
configuration of other craft landing
gear. Look at the shape of the imprint.

As he's looking Sullied smiles to herself.

MOLDY
Wait.

He spots a piece of tin-foil and picks it up.

SULLIED
What did you find?

He stands, holding up the foil.

MOLDY
I'm not positive, but I think this is a
piece of the ship's protective shields.
The heat on impact must have been vast,
look how this metal bends now.

She takes the piece from him and looks at it.

SULLIED
Moldy, this is tin-foil.

MOLDY
How can you say that?

SULLIED
Well as I exhale, my tongue and palate
form sounds, these sounds form words,
these words form sentences. That Moldy
is how I can say that.

He takes the piece back.

MOLDY
I have to get it analyzed back at the
lab.

SULLIED
Moldy, it's foil. You are having a
trained technician take his time away
from billion-dollar projects to examine
a piece of tin-foil?

MOLDY
We've got to be sure.

He turns and continues looking around.

SULLIED
Oh, Moldy?

MOLDY
Yes?

He turns and sees her lift her right hand,
point at him, and make a sound from her
throat as her eyes get wide with shock (the
warning call in "Invasion")

We see the fear in Moldy. She stops and
begins to laugh.

MOLDY
That is not funny.

SULLIED
Yes it is.

MOLDY
Come on, maybe we can find some eye
witnesses.

7 EXT. - PARK - DAY

They walk through the park and see a park
bench with a homeless man sleeping. They
approach him.

SULLIED
Moldy, be careful.

MOLDY
I will.
Sullied walks out of camera range while
looking for evidence.

He starts to lift a newspaper that is
covering the homeless man.

HOMELESS MAN
What? Who is it?

MOLDY
It's just me sir. Mind if I ask you a
few questions?

HOMELESS MAN
Who are you?

MOLDY
Agent Moldy FBI.

HOMELESS MAN
Let me see some ID.

Moldy hands the homeless man his wallet.

HOMELESS MAN
Who's she?

MOLDY
Agent Sullied FBI.

While agent Moldy looks away (at agent
Sullied) the homeless man cleans his wallet
out.

HOMELESS MAN
So what do you want agent Mowgli, you
looking for that big blue bear?

MOLDY
Why have you seen one?

The homeless man look puzzled at Moldy.
Sullied returns, looking mad about wasting
her time.

MOLDY
Have you seen any strange lights in the
night sky?

HOMELESS MAN
That depends on how much I've drank.

MOLDY
Have you ever seen a UFO?

HOMELESS MAN
Is there money in seeing that stuff?

MOLDY
Possibly.

Moldy takes out his wallet and finds out he
has no money.

MOLDY
Sullied pay the man $20.00.

Sullied looks shocked, but pays homeless man.

HOMELESS MAN
Oh sure. They come down here in the
park all the time.

MOLDY
When was the last time you saw one land?

SULLIED
Moldy, come on. He didn't see anything.

MOLDY
Give him a minute Sullied. When was the
last time?

HOMELESS MAN
Time? Uh..couple nights ago. Damn
place looked like it was going to be
overrun by those runty little foreigners
with big eyes.

Moldy considers, then stands up.

SULLIED
A fool and his money are soon parted.

MOLDY
Yea I know, the Bureau doesn't reimburse
bribes, and you were the one who gave
him the money.
I have a person who will identify this
sample for us.
SULLIED
Who?

MOLDY
She's an expert in the field of UFO's,
parapsychology, and utilizing Spam for
self defense. Her name is Dr.
Schnozzendripper.

SULLIED
Schnozzendripper?

MOLDY
Look, you head back to the car first.
That way we'll spot anybody who might be
following us.

Sullied shoots him a "you've got to be
kidding" look. She realizes he is serious
and starts to head back.

We see her turn around and stop. She looks
across the street from the park and it occurs
to her just how small the park really is.

SULLIED
(to herself)
You couldn't land a Buick in this park.

She continues on as Moldy starts behind her
many yards away.

8 INT. - CAR - DAY

Sullied is inside the car as Moldy gets in
the drivers side.

MOLDY
I think we should ask around the local
neighborhood to see if anyone's seen or
heard anything.

SULLIED
At least it won't cost me.

She shoots Moldy an irritated look.

9 EXT. - HOUSE - DAY

Moldy pulls up to a house in a neighborhood
community and the two get out and head up to
the front door. Moldy rings the bell and
they wait.

A few moments later the door opens and a man
pops his head out.

OUTRAGED MAN
Not you Jehovah's again, don't you
people ever give up?

The man slams the door in their faces even
before they have a chance to reply.

Moldy rings the bell again as they hold up
their FBI badges.
The door swings open again and the man is now
clearly upset.

OUTRAGED MAN
You don't get it do you?

MOLDY
We're FBI, this is Agent Sullied and I'm
Agent Moldy.

OUTRAGED MAN
You guys have the answer for everything,
even the end of the world! Get lost and
take you're fake ID with you!

He slams the door again.

SULLIED
He was far more helpful than the last
house.

MOLDY
Yes, and a cheery disposition too.

They turn and head back to the car.

10 EXT. - ADVANCED INSTITUTE OF
PARANORMAL/ABNORMAL BEHAVIORAL STUDIES AND
CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY (Mon. Wed. Fri) - DAY

Moldy and Sullied arrive in the driveway of
the country-home-like estate. They pull the
car forward and park it next to the building.

They both get out and head towards the front
door; there a woman in a white lab coat.
They approach her. Patient's can be seen
doing odd things in the background. They
approach her.

DR. SCHNOZZENDRIPPER
Hello.

MOLDY
Hello, Dr. Scnozzendripper?

She sniffles, wipes her nose with her hand
and extends it for a handshake. Moldy
pauses, but shakes it anyway, as does
Sullied.
They both simultaneously wipe their hand on
the sides of their clothes.

DR. SCNOZZENDRIPPER
I was told you were coming by. Let's
sit down in the yard, shall we?

SULLIED
Of course.

They follow her down the small path in front
of the building and out onto the grass, where
a bench is placed. They all sit.

MOLDY
Doctor, here is the sample of heat-
shielding from the Extra-Terrestrial
craft.

She takes the sample and examines it
intensely, she sniffs it and hands it back.

DR. SCHNOZZENDRIPPER
It's aluminum-based foil, with a slight
film coating of crushed peanuts and
jellied fruit possibly grape. Also
traces of whole wheat product.

There is a slight pause.

SULLIED
You mean it was shielding a peanut-
butter and jelly alien?

The Doctor and Moldy look at one another,
contemplating peanut-butter and jelly based
life. The Doctor bites her bottom lip.

SULLIED
It's a sandwich, wrapped in tin foil.

DR. SCHNOZZENDRIPPER
That explains the whole wheat.

MOLDY
I have 20 X-Y-Z files on individuals who
have claimed to have been abducted by
hovering baked goods in the night sky.

DR. SCHNOZZENDRIPPER
(Getting excited by the discussion)
Eclairs, Bear Claws, Fritters...

The doctor starts to fan herself with her
labcoat, looking visibly aroused.

Moldy shakes his head in agreement.

DR. SCHNOZZENDRIPPER
The Fritters are the worst, they spray
the abducted with a sugar-glaze coating
causing instant paralysis.

The Doctors hand slips inside her lab coat as
she slowly fondles her breasts.

SULLIED
I can't believe we are discussing
diabolical day-old donuts.

DR. SCHNOZZENDRIPPER
You shouldn't dismiss any possibilities.
Have you questioned the surrounding
residents of the park?

The Doctor now looks suddenly relaxed.

MOLDY
A few.

SULLIED
No leads or reliable eye-witnesses.

MOLDY
We were hoping you might have some
valuable information that could help us.

SULLIED
Here's a stab Moldy, why don't we
interview more potential witnesses.

A hospital orderly arrives with a message.

ORDERLY
Dr. Schnozzendripper? Mr. Shatner is
here for his 4 o'clock appointment. He
says he has an idea for a new Drek War
novel.

DR. SCHNOZZENDRIPPER
Marvelous, I hope it's nothing like the
"memoirs" novel. Get me some doughnuts
and a stiff drink!

EXT - OVERLOOKING MACARTHUR PARK:
NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

Moldy and Sullied are once again going door
to door looking for possible witnesses.

They approach one house and knock. The door
yanks open and a head pops out.

OWNER
Yah, whadda you want?

Moldy begins to reach into his briefcase...

OWNER
Oh no you don't! Don't even bother, you
people were here yesterday with those
WATCHTOWER magazines! I've had it!

He slams the door.

SULLIED
Weeeeelllll, that was productive, wasn't
it?

MOLDY
Let's try the neighbors.

They approach the next house and Sullied
knocks.
The door opens and another individual is
seen.

OWNER
Yes?

Moldy goes for his briefcase but Sullied
intercepts him and shows her badge.

SULLIED
I'm Agent Sullied, this is Moldy.

The Owner pulls away from the badge after she
says it's "Moldy".

OWNER
That was pretty fast for a Government
Agency. How did you know about her?

Moldy looks at Sullied like this will break
the case open.

OWNER
Quickly, come in before you she gets up
from her nap.

They enter and follow him into the kitchen.
They sit.

OWNER
My wife has been acting strange lately.

MOLDY
How so?

OWNER
It occurs almost every month, around the
same time.

MOLDY
What characteristics has she shown?

OWNER
Irritability, cramping, puffiness, water
weight-gain...

Sullied now features a look of complete shock
over the stupidity of these guys.

MOLDY
I must have 100 X-Y-Z files based on
those exact symptoms.

Sullied is now angry.

SULLIED
Make that 101!

The man's wife had now entered the room,
looking like hell.

WIFE
I thought you were supposed to be out
mowing the lawn?

OWNER
Yes, dear. I'm sorry, I have to go now.

As they get up to leave Sullied moves closer
to wife.

SULLIED
I can't figure out what's worse. PMS or
men?

WIFE
Men. PMS only comes once a month.

EXT. - PARK - DAY

As Moldy and Sullied enter the park again
they see a man gardening as he talks quietly
to himself.

MOLDY
Sullied, look.

He points to the gardener. They head towards
him.

SULLIED
Good afternoon sir.

GARDENER
Good?

MOLDY
We need to ask you a few questions about
some discoloration in the grass.

GARDENER
Where abouts?

They walk over and look at the grass.

MOLDY
Over here.

GARDENER
Well?

MOLDY
What do you make of these?

Moldy points to yellow patches while smirking
at Sullied as though he had found the key
piece of evidence.

GARDENER
(Kneeling looking closely at grass)
Dog pee pee. Everybody brings their
dogs to the park and what do they do?
They PEE PEE! A little here, a little
there. Killing off my precious grass I
raised from seeds. Tending, watering,
cutting, trimming, fertilizing,
stroking! And all to be used as a huge
diaper for doggies!

As the gardner is getting more and more
ecstatic in his speech, Moldy and Sullied
slowly back away...

SULLIED
Well, that about closes this X-Y-Z file.

MOLDY
(Depressed)
For once you were right.

SULLIED
Let's put this case to bed.

In background Gardener is putting the grass
to bed.

GARDENER
You don't know the pleasure Kentucky
Blue Grass can bring a man!

EXT. - FBI BUILDING - DAY

In office, Moldy is depressed as he's closing
file folder, hands it to Sullied who files
it.

MOLDY
This is the worst case I've ever had.

Special Asian Cooper enters office and
approaches Moldy.

COOPER
Agent Moldy.

MOLDY
Yes?

COOPER
Weren't you supposed to surrender all
articles ascertaining to your previous
case, Agent Denise.

Sullied looks confused.

Moldy pulls open desk drawer, hands out dress
and red pumps. Cooper, takes them and leaves.


SULLIED
Who was that?

MOLDY
Special Asian Cooper, Blue Rose case.

SULLIED
Agent Denise?

MOLDY
Well, it was a complex, undercover,
uh...blue rose... top secret.

Phone rings. Moldy answers it.

MOLDY
Agent Moldy here.

DEEP THROAT
You know who this is?

MOLDY
Mom?

DEEP THROAT
NO, Deep Throat you idiot.

MOLDY
I couldn't find any evidence of a UFO.

DEEP THROAT
What UFO?

MOLDY
The crash, the one on T.V. that you told
me to watch.

DEEP THROAT
I told you to turn to Channel 5 so you
could catch me and my granddaughter
riding in the parade.

Moldy hangs up.

SULLIED
Who was it?

MOLDY
Deep Throat.

SULLIED
What did the porno sage have to drop on
us this time?

MOLDY
This entire X-Y-Z file has been a
complete waste of time.

SULLIED
Now, there's a news flash.

Moldy puts head down.

SULLIED
How about I take you out for a drink
Moldy?

MOLDY
Okay, but sometimes I act a little weird
when I drink.

SULLIED
This should be different.

MOLDY
Just as long as we don't get carried
away.

SULLIED
Right, we can't trust anyone, even
ourselves.

MOLDY
The truth is out there!

(Panning out)

Sullied and Moldy asleep on bed.

We see the back of Sullied. She gets up and
goes to bathroom. We see her in silhouette
only.

POV Sullied's head looks down at her 9-month
pregnant tummy.

SULLIED
Oh my God!

Green hands on stomach. Sullied snaps her
head up and looks in mirror, seeing her green
face. Make up FX. Screams.

SULLIED
Moldy!!!!!!!!!

Fade to black.

END

INVASION OF THE SILICON GIRLS: FILM PLAYING
AT MOLDY'S

EXT. - BEACH - DAY

Two well proportioned young ladies are seen
on the beach wearing bikinis, they bat an
alien beach ball back and forth.

BETTY
Eeek! Don't let the hideous limbless
alien get us!

VERONICA
Okay Betty.

The girls giggle as they bat the ball back
and forth.

(Audio only):

VERONICA
They're using their evil sunburn ray
guns on us.

BETTY
Quick put on the Ultra SP15 hyper sun
block.

VERONICA
I hope my hair holds out.

The girls can be seen stroking their
bodies with sun tan lotion. ****************************************************************************** Tony Anderson (demeter@eskimo.com)
--
Tony Anderson is......... demeter@eskimo.com
"Through the darkness of future past, the mysterious one longs to see,
One bonus round, between two players,
Fire, don't play with me." ...TWIN PEEKS the parody 1992

Wes,
telnet://ricksbbs.synchro.net:23
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